Life is a Constant Negotiation Stop Losing!
Overview
Most people see negotiation tools as only required for purchases and contracting activities. But expert negotiators know that most of us carry out mini negotiations each and every day. Think about the interactions with your family, your peers in business or with those in your local community. In most of those interactions you at some point try to communicate a point of view, increase alignment or influence action. This Principle will provide you with tools that don’t just lead you to more wins, it will help you discover the power of Win / Win Solutions that leave all parties better off.
Win / Win Principles
Remove Yourself From the Outcome
You have to be honest with yourself and DECIDE what matters most to you.
Do you care about getting the credit or being right?
Or do you want the TEAM WIN, even if you do not get the credit?
A PtT Leader cares more about the team succeeding than navigating for their own accolades. Free yourself up to work on the Team Win where you are perfectly fine with others gaining credit for progress.
Understand How They Succeed
We inherently know that as individuals we have different goals and motivations. The same is true for different organizations within a company. We have different goals, performance metrics and motivations org to org so if true collaboration is your aim you must take the time to find Their Win.
Sit your own assumptions aside and ask the right questions to identify what others are looking to achieve. If they do not share on the first round, stay patient and focus on building trust so they see you as the honest broker you are.
Find the WIN / WIN Solution
A mentor challenges you to find the Win / Win and you pause because even though you understand what they are asking you to do, this is a new concept in your business career. Up until now your focus has been on finding ways for yourself, your team and your organization to Win. Why do you need to spend extra calories helping other people or organizations out is going through your mind.
If finding a WIN / WIN solution is going to increase the time, complexity and difficulty why even try?
Answer = A Protect the Team Leader understands that a solution that all parties support produces an outcome that has the best chance to be successful in the long run. If there is no person or group that plays the opposition, then everyone is able to play a role in the success. So as a leader 1st) remove yourself from the outcome & 2nd) take the time to understand how they succeed through the metrics they are judged on. Then brainstorm, invite others into the development process and then iterate to the optimal solution that all important parties see as a WIN.
Skin in the Game
What does Skin in the Game truly mean?
“Skin in the Game” is a phrase that is often quoted, but not usually understood. Most people mistakenly use it to describe sharing in a reward. True Skin in the Game is a state where symmetry between risk and reward exists for 2 or more parties.
True Skin in the Game Attributes:
- Rewards should not be achievable at the expense of others
- Risk transfer should be protected against
- Performance misses should cause immediate impact to the party that did not perform
The Power of a Question
While everyone else is focusing on what their next answer will be in a conversation, a PtT Leader is listening and developing the right question to ask to empower the person or team.
The questions we ask shape how we think, act, and relate to others. By shifting from judgmental to learning-oriented questions we foster growth, creativity, and better problem-solving.
This approach strengthens communication, builds emotional intelligence, and fosters collaboration by replacing defensiveness with curiosity. Ultimately, asking better questions empowers us to take ownership, find solutions, and create more positive outcomes in both our personal and professional lives.
Own the Room
Control the Environment
Defining the physical and emotional environment you want to foster is foundational to influencing others. Retail businesses provide the best example on how the physical environment you are in plays a role in how you respond and act.
Instead of accepting the natural environment, step up and own curating the physical environment and emotional state you want the participants to be in.
Data is Like a Lion
The Lion is the universal symbol of power. It is the apex predator whose presence commands both fear and respect. Being the perfect hunter it has no need of protection from another animal. Even when we observe these majestic creatures behind barriers at the zoo, we know that a Lion requires no defense, just let it out of it’s cage.
Data is similar to a Lion. When properly reviled it requires no defense. The Power of data can force a change to a plan, validate progress or inspire immediate action. Take the time to properly present information in a clear way that quickly communicates a message supported by data.
Let the DATA out of it’s cage!
Resources:
Tools
For Your Daily Negotiations
To become a good communicator you must listen and practice providing clarity. But to level up to become a good negotiator you must build up your tool bag. Everyday you are engaging in negotiations so take the time to equipt yourself with the tools that can disarm those that attack you, helpyou gain access to truth and help you navigate conversations to arrive at the intended destination.
Tactical Empathy
Video: Tactical Empathy in Action
Tactical Empathy is one of the core skills Chris Voss teaches in Never Split the Difference. It’s not about being nice, agreeing, or giving in. It’s about understanding the other person’s emotions, motivations, and perspective—and using that understanding strategically in a conversation or negotiation.
Step 1) Actively Listen by quieting your internal voice and focusing 100% on them.
Step 2) Intentionally seek to understand:
- How does the other person feels?
- What pressures are they under?
- What do they fear?
- What do they ultimately want?
Step 3) Use this understanding to influence their behavior.
- Label or paraphrase their feeling, point of view or emotion.
- It’s important to understand that you don’t have to agree with their point of view—just acknowledge it.
Results:
- Lower tension
- Unlock information
- Gain influence
- Steer the conversation/negotiation without force
Why Tactical Empathy Works
As humans we usually make decisions emotionally first, logically second. When we feel misunderstood, we resist. When we feel understood, we are inclined to collaborate. This opens the door to:
Tools to Use:
Labeling Examples:
“It seems like you’re under a lot of pressure.”
“It sounds like timing is a big concern for you.”
Paraphrasing Example:
Restating their point in your own words shows real comprehension.
Utilize the Mirror
A master daily negotiator is an expert at gaining understanding. To gain understanding of someone and their position talk less, mirror more.
What:
Mirroring is the act of repeating the last few words, or the critical one to three words, the person just said. The key is to stay calm and to use a curious tone.
There is no need to mimic body language or tone, it’s about subtly reflecting their words back to them to encourage deeper context.
Why:
The goal is to make the other person feel heard and understood, which helps build trust. Mirroring also prompts them to keep talking and reveal more information, often leading to insights you wouldn’t get otherwise. It slows the conversation down and creates a sense of psychological safety.
How to Mirror:
1. Listen carefully to what your counterpart says.
2. Repeat the key words or the last few words they said in a curious tone.
3. Pause and let silence do the work—people naturally fill the gap by elaborating.
Find the Black Swan
Whether you are sitting across the table from another company, or trying to motivate someone from a different organization in the mind of the person you are interacting with is a piece of information that will dramatically change the direction of your active negotiation.
A master negotiator understand that the path to achieve their own goals goes through the Black swan so others can accomplish their own goal.
Types of black swans:
1. Unknown knowns – things they know but haven’t told you. (Most common)
2. Hidden pressures, fears, motivations, or constraints.
3. Unknown unknowns – things neither side realizes yet.
https://youtu.be/-velhhVg6Dc?si=zf2eRY-2xrwM4g6b
Set an Extream Anchor
1,440 feet below the surface of the ocean the USS Gerald R. Ford aircraft carrier’s 30,000 pound anchor lies at the bottom of the ocean. It is the world’s most extreme Anchor, and a good example of one of the best tools in a Negotiation.
In a Negotiation the one who is growing emotional is not winning. So how do you drive an emotional responses?
Set an Extreme Anchor
Extreme anchoring is a negotiation technique in which one party deliberately opens with an offer or position that is far outside the expected range, but still defensible. The purpose is not to reach agreement at that number, but to reset the psychological reference point for the entire negotiation.
An extreme anchor often triggers an emotional response, revealing valuable information about the other side’s limits and priorities. The normal response will be an explosion about how unreasonable the position is, and how they must reassess assumptions rather than negotiate within a familiar range.
Take the time to learn how to deliver an extreme anchor when the time is right.
Get the Receipt
How many times in business has an individual or team shown up to a meeting and an action that you are sure was taken last week, is taken again. Even worse, we all have witnessed that some people lack accountability and have no shame in pretending like they did not take an action. Most people get frustrated, some have the patience to ask again, but a PrT leader GETS the RECEIPT!
A receipt is a written or digital document that describes what information was communicated or is owed. Written information has a concrete nature to it, whether the result is beneficial or negative it is a tool that avoids confusion and inefficiency.
Another reason for collecting a receipt can be summed up with Ronald Reagan’s favorite Russian Proverbs “doveryai, no proveryai”… Translated “trust but verify”. With important matters, make sure you get the proof in the form of a receipt.
So….
- When there are actions that need to be closed – get the receipt
- When an agreement has been made – get the receipt so it lasts
- If it is important, make sure you collect evidence – get a receipt
Shut the Door
When you need a decision, or if you are looking to drive an action, you must remember to Shut the Door first. In our every day communication we usually use language that allows flexibility with the recipient’s response; aka you leave the door open. This is usually beneficial when you are talking with your family, friends or interactions with people you don’t know.
But in business you often require clarity of a position or honesty about a subject. When this is the case, use the “Shut the Door” communication technic by framing your question or request in a way that requires a clear response.
Example
Open door= Can you provide a status on the situation?
Closed door= please provide an overview outlining either how you can support the requirements, or present why you cannot support
DFI = Displeasure -> Future -> Initial
“Time Over Target”
Adopt a tried and true communication strategy that will help you quickly communicate your topic, set a future and drive ACTION
Steps
1) Don't Burry the Lead
Begin your presentation with either DISPLEASURE or SATISFACTION. Quickly share the heart of the topic.
If you are working an issue you want everyone in the audience to feel the urgency needed for resolution.
If you have good news, disarm your audience out the gate by sharing the positive news.
2) Show the Future
Everyone loves this part.
Paint the future that we want to see. Communicate what the goal is and when we would like to see it completed.
The key is you cannot dwell on the final state since there are many steps that need to occur before that can be realized.
3) Current Step
Walk through what action has taken place. This section is practical, so only discuss on going action that you or the team are taking to move towards the future.
*** Skip this Step if you are Presenting a New Idea ***
4) Next Step
Most people dwell on the Future and do not focus on the steps required to make progress. But a future without a strong next step leaves a perception that you are selling a dream.
Leadership wants to see the next step(s) that will lead to success. So frame your presentation to quickly flow through steps 1-3 and spend the majority of your time walking through your next immediate step.
Make sure that the step is not too large, you should be able to close out your next step in days or a few weeks.
Collect leverage
We all know that Leverage is key to all Negotiations.
But what is leverage?
Def. = The ability to influence what people do. (Oxford)
Standard Negotiations:
In a Negotiation the leverage can often times be assumed to be set in stone, but it is important for a PtT Leader to know that influencing others comes in many forms. So look for ways to increase influence to build leverage that can be used in a positive way to reach an agreement.
Common interactions:
In the micro negotiations that happen each and every day leverage is more than the basic definition. See leverage is a precursor for motivating someone to make a decision. It can be used for good just as it can be used to manipulate others to act against their own interests. A PtT has the team win in mind, so use meetings, emails, peer visibility, private conversations to influence others to make the right move for a team win.
Ask the Right Question
A PtT Leader knows that asking a question is often times a far better leadership Tool than making a statement. When collaboration and adoption is your focus, it is important that you learn how to ask the right question. Follow these 3 steps to begin to develop your (sacratic) muscle to always ask the right questions.
1) To start asking the right questions you must start with your own mindset. When others are talking, are you in a judgement mindset, or a learner mindset? A learner mindset is honestly trying gain understanding vs driving your own opinion. The shift to a learner mindset will switch your default reaction to share your opinion, to a reaction that asks a genuine question to gain understanding. Place your focus on possibilities, curiosity, and improvement so that you are prepared for Step #2
Examples of questions to ask yourself while you listen to others:
- “What can I learn”
- “Can I serve this person or team”
- “what is the speaker looking to accomplish”
2) The Right questions transform obstacles into sources of insight. Instead of dwelling on the past or on blame, the right questions move toward solutions. Craft your question so that the answer promotes progress and increases understanding of the speaker.
Examples of what your questions should focus on:
- “What’s the Art of the possible?”
- “Turn this challenge into an opportunity”
- “What does success look like?”
- “What’s the first step forward?”
3) How you start your questions makes all the difference, so be strategic in picking the right word(s) to start your questions. The English language is…(FINISH)… And individual words and phrases drive emotional responses. There are words that have the ability to drive universal reactions (positive and negative) in us. And surprisingly the words and phrases that drive negative responses are the ones we were taught to use. The “I think”, “You should”, “Why” and…. (Pull bad responses from Voss) Creates a selfish perception that can cause the person to shift to a defensive and judger mindset. Start using KEY words that unlock the defensive door for others to make it easier for them to collaborate and learn.
Good Examples to Start your Questions:
- How?
- [Others from change your questions…]
- [Others from Black swan]
- What? (Is this good?)
- Is calibrated questions
Negative Examples to Start your response or question:
- “Why”
- “I think”
- “I”
Conclusion: When one feels heard and understood it unlocks their own mind to understand your point of view.
Milk:
– videos of meat
Meat:
– change your questions change your life
– Never split the difference
NO is Better than YES
From an early age it is hard wired into each of us that we like, want and need to hear YES. But what if YES is not what we should aim to hear? What if NO is far more useful in building alignment and collaboration.
It seems counterintuitive, but a PtT Leader knows that Yes is often deceiving and used to close off a conversation.
Types of Yes:
- Counterfeit Yes – They just want you to go away
- Confirmation Yes – Basic acknowledgment
- Commitment Yes – The real one (rare in early negotiation)
But there is something different about NO. When “No” comes out of someone’s mouth they immediately feel Safe and in Control. Because of this, what usually comes with a NO is honesty. In Never Split the Difference, Chris Voss explains that “No” is often more valuable than “Yes” in a negotiation. Once they say “No,” it frees them to actually think and collaborate.
Frame your questions with the intent to obtain a No -> Pause and wait -> and most often they will willingly to share the truth, and truth is leverage. And in the 1/10 times they do not share, the door is now opened to calibrated questions to discover truth.
Examples:
- “What about this doesn’t work for you?”
- “What would you need to see to feel comfortable?”
NO is the start of genuine dialogue. YES is often the beginning of a lie. When you make the other person feel protected, they stop hiding and start collaborating.
Milk:
